Everybody involved is negatively affected when gossip spreads.
This week’s headlines about the private lives of public figures make me think about gossip. As an observant Jew, I was taught that gossip is almost never OK. I say "almost" because there are certain times that we have the responsibility to share information about others. But for the most part, if it sounds like gossip or even sounds like it may be gossip, then we refer to our sacred teachings:
"You shall not go around as a tale bearer"—Leviticus.
The Talmud (the oral teachings of the Torah) tells us, "Slander kills three: the one who says it, the one who listens and the subject of the gossip".
There are different levels of this wrong:
- Suppose you know something that Joe Anonymous has done. It is not incriminating, not even objectionable. Unless you have a compelling reason, do not share this information. Repeating innocuous gossip is called being a gossip walker (since he/she goes from place to place to spread the "word") and often causes unforeseen negative consequences.
- Speaking about another's indiscretion or shortcomings is already out of bounds; this is called the evil tongue.
- Unfounded, libelous gossip that gives someone a bad name is not merely out of bounds, but all the way out of the stadium.
As a young boy, I heard a story that left a strong impression on me. A nice man with a nasty problem lived in a small town somewhere in Eastern Europe. His problem: he talked too much about other people. Whenever the man heard a story about somebody he knew, and sometimes about somebody he did not know, he just had to tell it to his friends. Other than that, he was a pleasant, good-hearted man.
He kind of knew it was wrong, but it was too tempting. And in any case, most of what he told had really happened. Didn't it? Many of his stories were just innocent and entertaining. Weren't they?
One day, the man found out something really weird (but true) about another businessman in town. Of course he felt compelled to share what he knew with his colleagues, who told it to their friends, who told it to people they knew, who told it to their wives, who spoke with their friends and their neighbors. It went around town.
When the unhappy businessman who was the focus of the story heard it, he ran to the town rabbi, and wailed and complained that he was ruined. Nobody would like to deal with him after this. His good name and his reputation were gone with the wind.
The rabbi decided to summon the man who loved to tell stories. If he was not the one who started the rumors, he might at least know who did.
When the man heard from the rabbi how devastated his colleague was, he felt truly sorry. He honestly had not considered it such a big deal to tell this story because the story was true. He told the rabbi he could check it out if he wanted. The rabbi sighed.
"True, not true, that really makes no difference," the rabbis said. "All of it is wrong, just wrong! And it's like murder, you kill a person's reputation."
He said much more, and the man who started the rumor now felt really bad and sorry.
"What can I do to make it undone?" he asked, sobbing. "'I will do anything you say!"
The rabbi looked at him, and asked, "Do you have any feather pillows in your house?"
The man replied, "Rabbi, I am not poor, I have a whole bunch of them, but what do you want me to do, sell them?"
"No, just bring me one," the rabbi said.
The man was mystified, but he returned a bit later to the rabbi's study with a nice fluffy pillow under his arm. The rabbi opened the window, handed the man a knife, and told him to cut open the pillow.
"But Rabbi, here in your study?" the man asked. "It will make a mess!"
"Do as I say!" the rabbi exclaimed.
The man cut the pillow, and a cloud of feathers came out. They landed on the chairs and on the bookcase, on the clock and on the cat, which jumped after them. The feathers floated over the table and into the teacups, on the rabbi and on the man with the knife, but most of them flew out of the window in a big swirling whirling trail.
The rabbi waited until they settled, and then told the man, "Now bring me back all the feathers and stuff them back in your pillow. All of them mind you, not one may be missing!"
The man stared at the rabbi in disbelief. "That is impossible, Rabbi, the ones here in the room I might get, most of them, but the ones that flew out of the window are gone. Rabbi, I can't do that, you know it!"
"Yes," said the rabbi, who nodded gravely. "That is how it is: once a rumor, a gossipy story, a 'secret' leaves your mouth, you do not know where it ends up. It flies on the wings of the wind and you can never get it back!"
He ordered the man to apologize profusely to the person about whom he had spread the rumor. That would be difficult and painful, but it was the least he could do. He ordered him to apologize to the people to whom he had told the story because he had made them accomplices in the nasty slander game.
In closing, let me say that some of the news I read about public figures deeply disturbs me. Both as a citizen and as a parent, I think these discussions should be a journey of discovering why we choose the leaders that we do and how we can chose leaders with superior character. When we use these moments simply to gossip, we lose an important opportunity for a more profound debate. Among other things, by emphasizing the sensational, we lose the opportunity create a foundation of more important values in our children.
Next time you feel the need to gossip, consider the following quote that I heard years ago: "Big people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. And small people talk about other people."