Rabbi's Blog

A friend is someone who you can speak to as if you are speaking in a room, alone, by yourself; no one there judging you.

Sadie and Rose, both in their late 80s, lived the good life on the Florida coast. Their daily two-hour stroll was the highlight of their life-long friendship.

One day, Sadie could not remember Rose's name! She gathered all her courage and began, "Promise me you won't get upset with my question." 

'Upset? At you?" Rose responded. "You are my closest friend."  

"I forgot your name," Sadie confessed. "I am so very sorry ... Please can you remind me of your name?"

___

Consider these words: "Assume for yourself a master, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every man to the side of merit." —Avot 1-6

The "master" is not necessarily a "guru." Rather, she or he is a spiritually evolved and pious person who can be counted on for guidance and direction. While hardly the only form of friendship, this may be the highest form.

My teacher, the Rebbe, was once asked by a professor, "Why do so many people fly from around the world to come and see you?"

The Rebbe responded, "They come because I am a friend."

"A friend?" asked the perturbed professor rhetorically. "I am a friend too, but they don't come from all over the world to see me!" 

"Perhaps, we need to make sure we have the same definition," responded the Rebbe, who then asked, "What do you think a 'friend' is?" 

Now, it was the Rebbe's turn to answer his own question. "A friend is someone who you can speak to as if you are speaking in a room, alone, by yourself; no one there judging you."   

High-tech may have replaced how we make and keep friends, but the core of friendship remains unchanged. It is said that truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget. But a good friend could be the missing ingredient for a struggling child or young adult, a parent or older person trying to cope or any of us who simply want to do the right thing.

And to conclude the story I began at the beginning of this column: 

Sadie was overwhelmed with despair because she had to ask Rose, "What's your name?" As Rose, overcome with surprise and hurt, wiped her own tears, she recovered her composure. She turned to Sadie and responded, "How soon do you need to know?"

The 405 Freeway shutdown is an opportunity for everyone to take time off, be with family and meditate.

The 405 Freeway is closing. Unlike the toll ways in other states, this freeway is "free."

The 405 is like an artery within Los Angeles, a lifeline that unites West Los Angeles and communities below it with the San Fernando Valley and communities above it.  And there are all the other communities east and west that are connected by the 405.

Observe that local governments, companies both large and small, hospitals, educational institutions and many people are planning all sorts of contingencies because of the "impossible road conditions" predicted. Many people have canceled their plans to visit to Los Angeles, even for real important events like family weddings, because of the "chaos" everyone is expecting.

About a quarter of a century ago, the Olympics came to Los Angeles. There were widespread predictions of doom and gloom. We would have runaway crime and traffic gridlock. In fact, that two or three week period in the summer of 1984 was euphoric and quiet for Los Angeles. Crime dropped precipitously, and traffic problems disappeared.

In keeping with the theme "there is a lesson in everything" the 405 closure, especially because of its broad impact, must have a message that we can all appreciate.

For starters, I consider myself among the "lucky ones” who is somewhat in another world, of sorts. I'm talking about the one day a week— the Sabbath—that I get to completely detach myself from corporal worries.

Beginning at sundown on Fridays, the Sabbath is welcomed in by the woman of the household with the lighting of candles and it culminates, until Saturdays after dark. During this time there is a complete shift from our daily lifestyles.

In my youth, I was taught how on this day, my focus is to be on the very first question asked to Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Where are you?”—Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the first Chabad. Rebbe explained that this is a perpetual question asked to all of mankind: Where are you? Do you know why you have been put on this world? Are you aware of the gifts that you have been given? Are you aware of the important role you were given in making this world a beautiful garden?

The Sabbath is the day when we address the big question: Who I am as a person? This is no easy task. That is because often when we meet someone, we ask, "What do you do?"  We mistakenly define people by their profession or occupation.

In a world where family time often means a family together at one table while texting someone on the outside,  many people cannot even imagine being able to shut down everything—the cell phone, the computer, all the tech stuff—for 25 hours, but that's what we do. Instead of the usual, we stay focused on family, meditation, prayer and study.

Some things are just too hard to describe. I remember my friends asking me how it felt when I first became a dad and all I could do was smile from ear to ear and feel joy in my heart. The Sabbath day is another phenomenon difficult to describe. This observance profoundly shapes the coming week into a reality defined uniquely beyond description.

Regardless of the multiple differences in our upbringing and philosophy, the 405 closure is handing us an opportunity that should be pursued. Many people have planned to stay put and not go to work. To some, this is inconvenient, annoying and even a matter of great concern. But there is an incredible opportunity here. For those who don't get a chance to experience a stop in the seemingly unstoppable cycle of what has become their life, here is an opportunity to just "slow down."

We all benefit from slowing down the engines and spending time with what is really important; our family, meditation and just time off.

When I think about the Shabbat frame of mind, I am reminded of an art piece I saw displayed at a home here in Malibu:  “Good Morning, This Is G-d!: I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a good day. I love you!

As humans, we thrive most when we serve not only our mind but our spirit, as we pursue both knowledge and purpose. The closure of the 405 provides us with the opportunity to shift our attention from the mundane, so we can focus on higher thinking. For Jewish people this is what the observance of Sabbath about, but the lessons and beauty from “Sabbath thinking” are universal.

We are wise if we know we are not.

The beginning of wisdom, is to acquire wisdom! From your every acquisition acquire understanding." (Proverbs 4:7) 

This popular translation of the original Hebrew words defines our philosophy of life. The famous comedian Groucho Marx once said, "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them … well, I have others."

Today, I write about the immutable, because what truly drives us in life shapes our everyday decisions. 

In attempting to teach how to ascertain truth, one of the great Chassidic teachers told his students, "I may not know how to define absolute truth, but a lie I can sense, even from a distance." 

So how do we define wisdom? And with understanding, will we recognize wisdom when we see it?

Consider, for example, that in these current challenging times, there seem to be more panhandlers on the street. When you are driving, you don't have time to form a philosophy that leads you to hand the person a few bucks or some food. There is legitimate debate on the "right thing to do." So, what makes one person roll down the window and another look the other way? The likely answer is that each person has a philosophy of life, an approach from which actions quickly follow. 

There is a story about a Chassidic master. Each year before the Jewish Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, his followers would hand him a note with their name, so each could be included in his prayer. One year, the master said he would not accept prayer notes after a certain time, no exceptions. The people of the town rushed to bring their prayer notes during the allotted time. One requested intervention for her sick child, another sought relief after a rough year in business and a spouse prayed for a happy home. 

Then there was Hank Goldener, an influential man in the city who was not used to the answer "no."  He arrived at the master's home two hours late. He was told again, there are no exceptions. Yet, Hank pushed his way through the shut doors. He tried to hand his prayer note to the master, who looked up and said, "Did you miss the announcement? Hank, does it always have to be your way?" And the master asked Hank to leave. 

As Hank walked away, paper in hand, he was overcome with a deep sense of shame and remorse. As hard as he tried, he could not escape the harsh rhetorical question posed by the otherwise kind-hearted, soft-spoken master. Depressed, Hank returned the next day to pray in the company of the master.

As the master passed by Hank, he asked him, "Do you still have that note?" Hank opened his clenched hands, where the note had remained since the prior day. As the master took the note, he asked, "And who says it has to always be my way?"

As if to answer his own question, the master continued, "What makes us unique from all other species is the ability to go back to the drawing board and be open to listen to an opinion that is different than our own." 

Consider the words of Benjamin Franklin, "For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information or fuller consideration, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once thought right, but found to be otherwise." 

As we open our mind and heart to others, perhaps our opinion ultimately will remain unchanged. But the process itself will uniquely enable us to understand those with a different view. This, then, is part of the Chasidic philosophy of life, to reach out to others and to learn from them.    

We are wise if we know we are not. This statement of humility is no mere tautology. Consider the many who are preoccupied with acquiring material objects. Could such material pursuits possibly be more valuable than acquiring wisdom and understanding?

I welcome your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below and through email at rabbi@jewishmalibu.