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Rabbi's Blog

Do a Good Deed and Pass it Forward

Following the death of their daughter Emily, Malibu residents Ellen and Michel Shane created a program to promote good deeds.


 

 

A husband who loses a wife is a widower. A child who loses his parents is an orphan. But as novelist Jay Neugeboren explained, "There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is!"

 

 

Just over a year ago, our community suffered the tragic and painful loss of . This beautiful 13-year-old girl was taken from us when she was struck by a suicidal driver on PCH. The tragedy affected not only her family and friends, but also our entire community. Emily was the daughter of all of us because she was all about laughing and celebrating life, about being a listening and sympathetic ear for her friends and, most of all, about helping others.

Even as the shattered pieces of this loss had not yet settled, something profound emerged—a light, a spark of hope, a message that already has inspired people from places near and far, indeed from around the world.

Emily's parents Ellen and Michel faced the indescribable pain of losing a child. But even as they struggled to cope with the grief that has no name, they decided to honor Emily's soul by starting a campaign of goodness and kindness called "Pass it Forward." Here is how it works: one person does a good deed for someone else, but asks for nothing in return except that the recipient do a good deed for someone else, and this goodness continues.

Now, a year later, the beautiful stories that have emerged are truly inspiring.

 

A local dentist, heard about Emily's tragic death and about the Pass it Forward campaign. He committed to donating one day a month to serve people who cannot afford dental care. In hearing this story, my first thought was, what a beautiful way for Emily's dentist to honor the loss of a young patient. But then I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Dr. Perkins was not Emily's dentist. Indeed, he had never met Emily. Yet, the transformation of deep pain into a light for others—this touched him.

When, on the anniversary of Emily's death, I shared this story at , others raised their hand.

 

 

"I am a doctor. I will do the same."  

"I am a lawyer. I can do something like that too."  

 

 

Soon, more people made similar pledges of personal service.

It is not uncommon for people in the aftermath of tragedy to remain grieving, to shut themselves in, that is, if not inadvertently, then by design, to turn away from the outside world. It is understandable for victims to re-live their sadness day after day, even year after year.

It takes more than courage—a sheer inner Chutzpah—for this kind of breakthrough … to create from this terrible darkness a brilliant light. What the Shane family has done is remarkable and truly serves as a lesson for all of us.

The Talmud says of Jacob, one of the progenitors of the Jewish people, "Jacob our father never died … since his children are alive with his ways, so too he is alive."

Our hearts are broken by Emily's death. And we—all of us—have many more questions than answers. We can take comfort and find solace in this Pass it Forward campaign.

 

 

I can say to Ellen and Michel Shane that you have taught us that when the fan of life blows a wind of tragedy, there still is a way to fan a flame of hope. It is as if one candle lights another and another and then another.

Perhaps you would like to participate, in any way, in this Pass it Forward campaign of goodness and kindness. For more about the campaign, go here.

Please let me hear from you. You can post your thoughts in the comments section below or email me at [email protected].

 

 

 

Gossip, the Harm it Creates Cannot Be Undone

Everybody involved is negatively affected when gossip spreads.


 

 

This week’s headlines about the private lives of public figures make me think about gossip. As an observant Jew, I was taught that gossip is almost never OK. I say "almost" because there are certain times that we have the responsibility to share information about others. But for the most part, if it sounds like gossip or even sounds like it may be gossip, then we refer to our sacred teachings:

 

 

"You shall not go around as a tale bearer"—Leviticus.

 The Talmud (the oral teachings of the Torah) tells us, "Slander kills three: the one who says it, the one who listens and the subject of the gossip".

There are different levels of this wrong:

  1. Suppose you know something that Joe Anonymous has done. It is not incriminating, not even objectionable. Unless you have a compelling reason, do not share this information. Repeating innocuous gossip is called being a gossip walker (since he/she goes from place to place to spread the "word") and often causes unforeseen negative consequences.
  2. Speaking about another's indiscretion or shortcomings is already out of bounds; this is called the evil tongue.
  3. Unfounded, libelous gossip that gives someone a bad name is not merely out of bounds, but all the way out of the stadium.

As a young boy, I heard a story that left a strong impression on me. A nice man with a nasty problem lived in a small town somewhere in Eastern Europe. His problem: he talked too much about other people. Whenever the man heard a story about somebody he knew, and sometimes about somebody he did not know, he just had to tell it to his friends. Other than that, he was a pleasant, good-hearted man.

 

He kind of knew it was wrong, but it was too tempting. And in any case, most of what he told had really happened. Didn't it? Many of his stories were just innocent and entertaining. Weren't they?

One day, the man found out something really weird (but true) about another businessman in town. Of course he felt compelled to share what he knew with his colleagues, who told it to their friends, who told it to people they knew, who told it to their wives, who spoke with their friends and their neighbors. It went around town.

 

 

When the unhappy businessman who was the focus of the story heard it, he ran to the town rabbi, and wailed and complained that he was ruined. Nobody would like to deal with him after this. His good name and his reputation were gone with the wind.

The rabbi decided to summon the man who loved to tell stories. If he was not the one who started the rumors, he might at least know who did.

 

 

When the man heard from the rabbi how devastated his colleague was, he felt truly sorry. He honestly had not considered it such a big deal to tell this story because the story was true. He told the rabbi he could check it out if he wanted. The rabbi sighed.

"True, not true, that really makes no difference," the rabbis said. "All of it is wrong, just wrong! And it's like murder, you kill a person's reputation."  

He said much more, and the man who started the rumor now felt really bad and sorry.

"What can I do to make it undone?" he asked, sobbing. "'I will do anything you say!"

The rabbi looked at him, and asked, "Do you have any feather pillows in your house?"

 

 

The man replied, "Rabbi, I am not poor, I have a whole bunch of them, but what do you want me to do, sell them?"

"No, just bring me one," the rabbi said.

The man was mystified, but he returned a bit later to the rabbi's study with a nice fluffy pillow under his arm. The rabbi opened the window, handed the man a knife, and told him to cut open the pillow.

"But Rabbi, here in your study?" the man asked. "It will make a mess!"

"Do as I say!" the rabbi exclaimed.

 

 

The man cut the pillow, and a cloud of feathers came out. They landed on the chairs and on the bookcase, on the clock and on the cat, which jumped after them. The feathers floated over the table and into the teacups, on the rabbi and on the man with the knife, but most of them flew out of the window in a big swirling whirling trail.

The rabbi waited until they settled, and then told the man, "Now bring me back all the feathers and stuff them back in your pillow. All of them mind you, not one may be missing!"

The man stared at the rabbi in disbelief. "That is impossible, Rabbi, the ones here in the room I might get, most of them, but the ones that flew out of the window are gone. Rabbi, I can't do that, you know it!"

"Yes," said the rabbi, who nodded gravely. "That is how it is: once a rumor, a gossipy story, a 'secret' leaves your mouth, you do not know where it ends up. It flies on the wings of the wind and you can never get it back!"

He ordered the man to apologize profusely to the person about whom he had spread the rumor. That would be difficult and painful, but it was the least he could do. He ordered him to apologize to the people to whom he had told the story because he had made them accomplices in the nasty slander game.

 

 

In closing, let me say that some of the news I read about public figures deeply disturbs me. Both as a citizen and as a parent, I think these discussions should be a journey of discovering why we choose the leaders that we do and how we can chose leaders with superior character. When we use these moments simply to gossip, we lose an important opportunity for a more profound debate. Among other things, by emphasizing the sensational, we lose the opportunity create a foundation of more important values in our children.

Next time you feel the need to gossip, consider the following quote that I heard years ago: "Big people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. And small people talk about other people."

 

 

 

Darkness Can Be Defeated Only with an Abundance of Light

The death of Osama bin Laden does not mean an end to his evil ideology.


 

 

It was September 11, 2001. Chaim was desperately trying to locate a close family member who worked in one of the towers at the World Trade Center. He went to temple on that somber morning to pray. Chaim was blessed to learn that his relatives were alive.  Many others were not so fortunate.
 
Almost a decade ago on that day, many innocent children were robbed of a parent. Many parents were robbed of their children. So many good and decent people, loving and kind, were consumed in the Twin Tower inferno. And how can I not mention the heroic first-responders—the firefighters, the paramedics, and the police officers—who, in the haste to save others, marched into their own doom.
 
Last week, a single story dominated the media—the Navy Seals commando raid that ended in the death of Osama bin Laden, a man who caused devastation to all those good people. The drama of the moment evoked many questions about the circumstances that led to the raid, and a public clamor for all the details.

When I heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed, I did not rejoice. This creature was just a figurehead representing an ideology far more dangerous than one person. In fact, I wonder how many people are foolish enough to believe the evil was buried with the man.

 

 

But, the more fundamental question remains—what type of philosophy can breed such deep hatred as demonstrated in the words and actions of Osama bin Laden and his followers? As long as there is a philosophy and growing movement that believes that kind, loving, and decent people are considered the enemies who must be crushed, we are in no position to rejoice just because the head villain was killed. Our country has designed the most powerful weapons of war, but these weapons have  had little effect on the essence of the enemy, the hearts and minds of the followers of this dark philosophy.

Perhaps it is time to start addressing the perverted evil education that is at the center of these twisted and dark philosophies. A philosophy that is alien to true good values, yet, embraced by a growing number of people. As you read this, children are being taught to hate. Even worse, these youngsters are encouraged to act and cause as much harm as they can to others who don’t share their beliefs.

I was taught that the only proven formula to combat the dark powers of negativity is through the generation of immense light. Some will find it ironic that I speak this way; that I appear to be naive. Make no mistake. I am not a pacifist. I understand that at times, only force stands in the way of the bad guys, and sometimes the only immediate way to prevent violence and loss of innocent life is to nip it in the bud by using force. Ultimately, however, the only permanent answer to the power of darkness is the greater power of light.

The time has come for us to ask ourselves, what could we do to become better agents of light?

What would it take for us to overwhelm this darkness with an abundance of light? 
 
Do you have any ideas? I would love to hear from you.

 

 

Let's Talk About Life and Learn from Each Other

I'm not here to preach. I want to talk about life. And I have as much to learn from you as you from me.


 

 

Born Hyman Arluck, the son of a cantor who grew up to cherish Hebraic melodies, composer Harold Arlen, created “Rainbow” while he was driving along Sunset Boulevard, and then played it for his friend Ira Gershwin, who loved it. Asked how he came up with the lyrics amidst great anxiety while working on the Oz film, Arlen said, “It was as if the Lord said, ‘Well, here it is, now stop worrying about it.’”

 

 

The rainbow has many different meanings. For some, it is the search for the seemingly impossible dream. For Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, it was the search for a magical world. In the end, she finds that magic in the most unlikely of places, right at home with her loving family.

In this inaugural “Over the Rainbow” weekly column, let me explain why you don't have to be Jewish or even be a person of faith to be part of my dialogue. And that's exactly what it is, because I want to hear from you.   Indeed, what may prove to me most important is not what I write, but the discussion and discourse it provokes among you, the readers.

First, why “Over the Rainbow?” Because I remember being taught as a boy, to see our differences as I saw a rainbow, each part, true to its color, in harmony, so we can experience the total beauty. What is truth, if not the unchanging pure and pristine light even higher than the rainbow? Isn't that what makes the rainbow?

You may not always, if ever, see it my way. That's OK. I'm not here to preach. I want to talk about life. And I have as much to learn from you as you from me.

 

I will be writing from a perspective of going back to our roots. Often, we look far and wide, only to find that we have what we seek within ourselves.

Judy Garland, who once lived right here in Malibu, was only 14 when Harold Arlen played for her the song that would forever define her. 

 

 

“It has become a part of my life,” she said. “It is so symbolic of everybody's dream and wish that I am sure that's why people sometimes get tears in their eyes when they hear it. I have sung it countless times, and it's still the song that is closest to my heart.”

How is it that an icon of popular culture—a film that unites young and old— has religious significance?

 

 

What mystical meaning can we find in this family movie?

Does Dorothy, the Wizard, and the land of Oz have anything to do with Kabbalah? We'll talk more in future columns.

On a more immediate note, the world is fascinated by the death of one man—the world's most notorious and most wanted terrorist—Osama bin Laden. What should be our reaction? Should it be rejoicing and dancing in the streets? Is there another way to see this from beyond the rainbow?

I welcome your comments. You can reach me at [email protected].

 

 

 

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